The camera pans on Hogwarts castle, lit up at night, then cuts to the Room of Requirement, where the Real House-students of Hogwarts are sitting on two couches. The host, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, sits in the armchair in the middle.
DUMBLEDORE (V.O.): Tonight, we come to the dramatic conclusion of the Real House-students of Hogwarts reunion…
The camera cuts back to DESIREE WARBECK, who smiles as Dumbledore speaks.
DUMBLEDORE: Miss Warbeck, you tried to bring Miss Granger and Miss Brown together towards the end of this season. What do you think about the drama that came up this term?
DESIREE: Honestly, I think they were both in the wrong.
LAVENDER BROWN under her breath: One of us was an absolute witch about the situation.
HERMIONE GRANGER: I’m sorry was anyone even talking to you Lavender?
LAVENDER: Does it matter? I’m sitting on this couch just like everyone else!
HERMIONE talking over Lavender: Just stop talking. Stay quiet like you’ve been doing.
DUMBLEDORE: Wait a minute, ladies—
LAVENDER: No I don’t have to be quiet, just because you say it. In fact, I’M GOING TO KEEP TALKING—
HERMIONE: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR NONSENSE LAVENDER!
Lavender begins to shift in her seat, as if to get up, but Desiree grabs her hand, and begins to whisper urgently to her. DEAN THOMAS looks at ALEX JOHNSON with a smirk. BLAISE ZABINI rolls his eyes.
DESIREE: Lavender, calm down—
HERMIONE: JUST BE QUIET LAVENDER.
LAVENDER: NO YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TELL ME TO BE QUIET.
HERMIONE: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR SOB STORY—
LAVENDER: I’LL TALK ALL I WAN—
Their voices cut out at once. Desiree is now sitting on Lavender’s lap to keep her from standing up. Hermione crosses her arms, fuming.
BLAISE: This is ridiculous.
DESIREE takes back her seat. She straightens out her robes: Honestly!
DUMBLEDORE: Okay, I think it best we move on for now.
The camera moves to Alex, who adjusts his bronze glasses and then smiles.
DUMBLEDORE (V.O.): Mr. Johnson, you are the youngest member of this group, and because of that and some of your more…passionate behavior, you often found yourself struggling to be taken seriously. But you persevered, proving that you truly could teach these old bats a thing or two.
Flashback to scenes from this season:
ALEX CONFESSIONAL: I’m Alex Johnson. Most folks know me as Angelina’s kid brother, but I’m a fourth year Ravenclaw, the BSU’s Scribe, and I’ve got the highest marks in my year.
CUT TO BLAISE: I want to step down as BSU President.
The camera pans around the room. Dean frowns at Blaise, Desiree looks shocked and upset. The camera zooms in on Alex, scribbling furiously on his parchment.
CUT TO DESIREE: I’m not going to be the Vice President. Alex should do it.
ALEX finally looks up from his notes, face brightening: We could have campaign focusing on getting Black students more support from the school, or run a drive to help younger Black wizards prepare for entering Hogwarts, or a dance where we can raise—
DEAN CONFESSIONAL: Alex means well, just…I need him to tone down the Granger energy.
Cut to Hermione, Desiree, Dean, and Alex in the Hogwarts corridor.
HERMIONE: Alex has already agreed to be my assistant for the day.
ALEX CONFESSIONAL: I’m not passionate about the cause, but this will be good experience for when I throw my own events.
Cut to the Great Hall, where Hermione and Alex are setting up for the Knit-In. Dean, NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM (Friend of Hermione), and LUNA LOVEGOOD (Friend of Alex) are helping.
ALEX consulting his clipboard: Hmm, we seem to be missing the green.
HERMIONE rushing over to him: What do you mean we don’t have green yarn?!
CUT TO ALEX: Luna and Neville are off searching for the green yarn, but were wondering if you could just Transfigure one of the bundles we already have in the event that they can’t find it. Dean needs to know where to hang up the banner. And Dobby still hasn’t arrived.
HERMIONE looks stressed: We can’t Transfigure the yarn, it will fade over time and then what if it doesn’t match the rest of the clothing?
Blaise snorts as Alex continues to take notes.
The scenes changes to Alex, Dean, and Blaise sitting in the Astronomy classroom.
DEAN: Let’s talk about this event.
ALEX reading from his scroll: Okay what about a game night?
BLAISE frowns: No.
ALEX moving on to the next thing on his list: A midnight party?
DEAN: I don’t know…anyone could do that. It should be something unique to the BSU.
BLAISE: Yeah, it should definitely be specific to us.
ALEX scans the parchment, then perks up: I know! How about a Tutor-a-thon. You know, to help folks with end of term exams. We could do a raffle and—
Blaise: Absolutely not.
ALEX CONFESSIONAL: He looks annoyed. I just don’t think I’m being heard, you know? They all think I’m just some kid.
Cut to the Great Hall, where the BSU is putting final touches on their set up for the gala.
ALEX CONFESSIONAL: The gala is open to all students of Hogwarts, but the proceeds are going to a fund to support the Black students.
HERMIONE entering the Great Hall: Hi Alex, Hi Des! This all looks so wonderful.
DESIREE: Thanks, Hermione! This was all Alex’s brain child, though.
CUT TO HARRY: You all did a great job with this.
DEAN: Thanks mate. Alex and I worked really hard.
The camera pans to Alex, who is now trying to form a soul train line.
ALEX (V.O.): I would say my first few months as VP of the BSU have been a success. I’m feeling heard, and can’t wait to put my ideas into action.
Back to the present.
DUMBLEDORE: Before we go further, Miss Granger, what did you think when Mr. Thomas said Mr. Johnson had “Granger energy”?
HERMIONE shrugs: I didn’t mind all that much. Dean and I are friends, and I know I can be a little…intense sometimes.
ALEX: Well I didn’t appreciate it.
The camera cuts to Dean, who looks like he’s working hard to keep his face straight.
DUMBLEDORE: You didn’t?
ALEX: No. Dean didn’t want to work with me from the beginning, he basically says it in the confessional.
DEAN: I never said I didn’t want to work with you—
ALEX gesturing off-screen to where they just saw the playback: We just saw it!
DEAN sighs: Look, I was dealing with a lot. I’ve already talked about how it felt getting dumped with the whole BSU, and you can be a little overbearing. If I came off as cold or like I didn’t want to work with you, I’ll take accountability for that.
DUMBLEDORE: So you apologize?
DEAN: I’ll own my part.
DUMBLEDORE: And do you accept that Mr. Johnson?
ALEX: Yeah, we’re all good. We’ve been working well together since the gala, so it’s all water under the bridge at this point.
DUMBLEDORE: And how do you feel about being Vice President now?
ALEX: I think I’m doing a pretty good job. I’ve got some ideas for next term that’ll be cool to implement.
DUMBLEDORE: How does everyone else think Alex is doing?
DESIREE: I think he’s doing a great job.
HERMIONE: So do I.
LAVENDER: He’s very passionate about it.
DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Zabini, it was your recommendation that Miss Warbeck take the position. What are your thoughts?
BLAISE: I mean, I think Alex is doing well.
DUMBLEDORE: But you thought Miss Warbeck would do a better job?
BLAISE looking annoyed: She was my first choice.
DESIREE: I didn’t want to do it. I have enough going on, and like my job as Treasurer.
DEAN: I think we all knew Alex was coming to take this thing over eventually. He’s smart and a hard worker, and he has vision. He’ll probably be the next President, honestly.
ALEX beaming: Thanks guys.
The camera pans to Hermione, who smiles thinly.
DUMBLEDORE: Now Miss Granger, as one of the few non-leadership members of the group, you threw yourself into a passion project that many have found curious at best. But your penchant for justice was soon curbed when a misunderstanding unraveled your best laid plans. Let’s take a look.
Flashback to scenes from this season:
HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: S.P.E.W. stands for the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. We strive to create safe and free spaces for house-elves, are committed to paying them fair wages for their work, and are working to dismantle the entire system of enslavement the Wizarding World was built on.
DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: S.P.E.W. is…(she looks away from the camera and bites her lip)…a good cause I suppose.
DEAN CONFESSIONAL: I didn’t even know Spew was still a thing (he shrugs).
BLAISE CONFESSIONAL: Spew is dumb.
Cut to the Astronomy classroom where Hermione has approached Dean, Blaise, Desiree, and Alex.
HERMIONE: I’m having a knit-in for S.P.E.W. and need volunteers to help promote and run the event.
CUT TO LAVENDER shrugs: I can help if you’d like. I could set up a tea leaf reading station.
HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Absolutely not.
CUT TO HERMIONE in the Hogwarts corridor: I’m not letting that fraudulent magic anywhere near my event. People aren’t going to take me seriously if I allow such a shoddy display.
DEAN CONFESSIONAL: Grinning. I mean we all know Hermione hates Divination but ouch.
Cut to the Great Hall. The camera closes in on the banner Dean is hanging: THE SOCIETY FOR THE PROMOTION OF ELFISH WELFARE PRESENTS: THE FIRST ANNUAL HOGWARTS KNIT-IN. Then, to Lavender and PARVATI PATIL (Friend of Lavender) who have just entered with their Divination supplies.
HERMIONE: Oh no, I’m sorry Lavender, but we don’t have any space!
The camera pans around the Great Hall, where there is plenty of space.
LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: No one cares about your raggedy event, Hermione!
DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: We all know Hermione was being messy.
CUT TO LAVENDER now in the entrance hall: Merlin, Hermione you’re such a fraud.
HERMIONE angrily steps to Lavender: A fraud?? You’re the biggest fraud here, you and that bug-eyed Professor!
Desiree jumps between the two as Lavender’s own fury builds. Parvati grabs Lavender’s hand, trying to pull her back.
The camera cuts to the Hogwarts courtyard, where Desiree sits with a trepidatious Hermione and Lavender.
DESIREE: I really wanted to get you both together so that we could get everything out in the open, talk about your issues, and heal from it.
LAVENDER standing: You’re full of dragon dung, Granger.
HERMIONE: You’re the one who’s full of it, Brown.
Cut to the Great Hall, where the Hogwarts BSU Gala is being held.
LAVENDER smiles at Hermione, arms wide for a hug: Hi Hermione!
HERMIONE arms crossed as she shies away from Lavender. She waves: Hi.
HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: I have no problem saying hi. I said hi. Now bye.
Back to the Great Hall. Hermione rolls her eyes, grabs a biscuit from the table, and stalks off, leaving Lavender hanging.
Back to the present.
DUMBLEDORE: Miss Granger, might I say that the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare is quite the noble cause.
HERMIONE: Thank you, Professor.
DUMBLEDORE: We got a brief look at what the rest of the group thinks, but I was curious if anyone would care to elaborate. Mr. Zabini?
Dean and Alex laugh with each other.
ALEX whispers: Dumbledore’s being quite messy, isn’t he?
The camera pans to Blaise, who raises an eyebrow at Dumbledore.
BLAISE: I thought I was pretty clear. I think Spew is unnecessary and misguided, and I thought the Knit-In was ridiculous.
HERMIONE: It’s S.P.E.W. And at least I actually stand for something! What have you been doing lately besides hiding under Draco Malfoy’s cloak?
Alex’s mouth falls open. He covers it quickly with his hand. Even Lavender has to keep herself from smiling. Desiree grimaces but says nothing.
BLAISE: Malfoy? Who even cares about Malfoy anymore? You wouldn’t even be on this show if it wasn’t for me.
DUMBLEDORE cutting in: Miss Warbeck, you seemed to have a kinder perspective on S.P.E.W. Do you think Mr. Zabini is wrong in his opinion?
DESIREE: Well, I wouldn’t say S.P.E.W. is unnecessary, exactly. But it is misguided.
HERMIONE: It is not—
DESIREE: I’m sorry, Professor, did you ask me the question?
DUMBLEDORE: I did.
DESIREE: Thank you. My problems with S.P.E.W. stem from its approach. I actually spend time with house-elves, and they don’t seem very interested in what Hermione is offering.
HERMIONE: So you would rather they live in enslavement for the rest of their lives?
DESIREE: Of course not! But I would rather they have a say in what sorts of advancements they get. It shouldn’t be up to a witch to make those decisions for them.
DUMBLEDORE: I’m going to switch broomsticks, if I may. Miss Granger, we were all witness to the tension between you and Miss Brown. Looking back, is there anything you would have done differently?
HERMIONE still annoyed by the previous exchange, crosses her arms: No.
The camera pans to Lavender, whose eyebrows fly up in angry surprise. Off-camera, someone coughs. Dumbledore also looks surprised.
DUMBLEDORE: There’s nothing you would have changed.
HERMIONE: Look, I don’t know what you all want from me. I apologized for the lack of communication—
LAVENDER rolling her eyes: Merlin’s beard, you are such a liar!
HERMIONE as if Lavender hadn’t spoken: —AND I was willing to work things out with Lavender, but she wasn’t willing to own her part.
LAVENDER: MY part? You mean the part where I offered to help you?
HERMIONE: No, I mean the part where you tried to trash my event!
The camera pans to Desiree, who is biting her lip. Next to her, Blaise looks bored.
DUMBLEDORE cuts in: Okay, well let’s get into it. Miss Brown, you came into this school term with a sense of optimism that only stems from believing in the Inner Eye. But soon, your crystal ball was clouded when it failed to warn you of an oncoming storm. Watch this.
Flashback to scenes from this season:
LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: I’m Lavender Brown! I’m a sixth year Gryffindor and aspiring Seer.
The camera cuts to the Gryffindor common room, where Hermione and Lavender are meeting.
LAVENDER excitedly: So I was thinking tea leaves would be a good idea, but then Parvati mentioned palm readings too, and some people might want their star charts done.
HERMIONE purses her lips a moment before saying: Yes, I’ll…I’ll get back to you. I’m not sure about all the space we’ll have.
LAVENDER: Great! And Parvati’s already agreed to assist, so really it’ll be very simple.
HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Absolutely not.
Cut to the Great Hall, where everyone is setting up for the S.P.E.W. Knit-in. Desiree is directing Blaise on where to put her baked goods.
DESIREE: Just there should be—oh bollocks.
The camera pans to what has caught Desiree’s attention: the entrance to the Great Hall, where LAVENDER BROWN and Parvati are entering with tea cups, rolls of parchment, and a crystal ball.
ALEX CONFESSIONAL: He checks his clipboard. I…don’t think Lavender is on the list.
HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: I completely forgot to tell Lavender I didn’t need her!
DEAN CONFESSIONAL: He waves his wand. Accio Popcorn. A bag of popcorn soars to him from off-camera and he takes a handful before stuffing it into his mouth.
CUT TO HERMIONE, who shakes her head: I just don’t think your…offer…was a good fit for the event.
LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: Oh no this witch didn’t.
BACK TO LAVENDER who pushes past Hermione: This is ridiculous.
HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Who does this at another person’s event?
HERMIONE pushing a crystal ball into Lavender’s hands: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
LAVENDER angrily: Excuse me??
Pan around the room: DEAN THOMAS watches from the banner, grimacing. ALEX JOHNSON takes notes. HARRY POTTER and DOBBY (Friends of Hermione) watch warily. Parvati watches from behind Lavender, arms crossed.
LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: No one cares about your raggedy event, Hermione!
CUT TO LAVENDER in the entrance hall: I don’t even know why I offered to help her. Next time I’ll be more conscious of who I give charity to.
PARVATI nodding emphatically: That’s what I was telling you yesterday.
Cut to Lavender and Hermione facing off in the entrance hall. Dean and Desiree are looking between them, trying to figure out how to deescalate the situation.
LAVENDER: Merlin, Hermione you’re such a fraud.
HERMIONE angrily steps to Lavender: A fraud?? You’re the biggest fraud here, you and that bug-eyed Professor! Now get out!
Desiree jumps between the two as Lavender’s own fury builds. Parvati grabs Lavender’s hand, seeing that this is getting out of control, and tries to pull her back.
LAVENDER screaming: I’m not the one lying! You’re so fake! That’s why no one likes you, not even Ron!
Hermione whips out her wand, and Dean jumps in to grab her wand arm. Desiree pushes her back more forcefully as Parvati pulls Lavender back. Lavender and Hermione are screaming at each other, the words echoing off of the walls and high ceiling of the entrance hall and becoming unintelligible.
The camera cuts to the students in the Great Hall, faces ranging from embarrassment to curiosity.
ALEX CONFESSIONAL: Honestly, this is a mess.
Back to present. The camera cuts to Hermione, who is busy pretending to pick something off of her gown. Then to Lavender, who runs her hands through her braids, looking annoyed.
DUMBLEDORE: So Miss Brown, tell us how you felt when you showed up to the Knit-In and was told there was no space?
LAVENDER: First of all, Professor, I wasn’t just told there was no space, I was thrown out—
HERMIONE: You were not! I politely asked—
LAVENDER raising her voice to speak over Hermione’s interruption: —I WAS THROWN OUT and ridiculed in front of everyone!
HERMIONE rolls her eyes: “Ridiculed.” How ridiculous.
LAVENDER: Hermione, we saw you call my Divination “shoddy”!
HERMIONE huffs: Blaise said it was fake too! I don’t see you disparaging him.
BLAISE looks up from where he was busy examining his cufflink. He frowns: Now why am I in it? I didn’t even do anything.
LAVENDER: You could have just told me beforehand—
HERMIONE: OH MERLIN I’M SORRY. Is that what you want? Fine. Have it. I was wrong. I’m sorry. My goodness.
The camera cuts to Dean and Alex, who chuckle nervously. Then to Desiree, whose eyebrows are raised in disbelief.
DUMBLEDORE: Miss Brown, do you accept that?
LAVENDER crosses her arms: I suppose.
HERMIONE: But you didn’t when I apologized the first time. See, this is what I’m talking about—
LAVENDER: Ugh just give it a rest Hermione!
DUMBLEDORE: Well, I do actually have a question here about this. Miss Brown, Mrs. Figg of Little Whinging says, “Lavender, it definitely seemed like you were the wronged party in the situation between you and Hermione. Why did you show up so late to the conflict resolution when you had the high ground?”
DESIREE mutters: Thank you.
LAVENDER: Listen, everyone here shows up late—
ALEX raises his hand: Uh, no?
DEAN laughing: You’re joking right?
LAVENDER continuing: I wasn’t even that late, and I’m pretty sure I apologized.
DESIREE: You didn’t.
LAVENDER: Oh, well then I apologize.
There’s a pause. Desiree looks like she’s trying to hold in her annoyance at the flippant apology. Blaise continues to look like he wishes he was anywhere else. Dean looks amused. Hermione is still scowling.
DUMBLEDORE: …Alright then. Araminta Moon asks, “If you were so angry with Hermione after the conflict resolution, why did you pretend nothing happened at the gala?”
LAVENDER: I didn’t pretend like nothing happened.
Dean scoffs but doesn’t say anything.
LAVENDER ignoring him: I just didn’t want to make the event uncomfortable. I didn’t want to mess up all the hard work Dean and Alex put into it—
HERMIONE: Oh but you had no problem messing up my event—
LAVENDER: Girl, are you done?
HERMIONE: No, I’m not!
LAVENDER: Please, we are bored.
DEAN: Hermione, come on.
HERMIONE: She doesn’t get to act like she didn’t do anything. All she does is play the victim.
LAVENDER: Anyway, as I was saying, I didn’t want to mess up the gala, which I thought was beautiful, by the way. And in all honesty, I was having a hard time even showing up here today.
DUMBLEDORE eyebrows raised: Is that so?
LAVENDER: Yes. The whole show, all you showed were the bad things.
Dumbledore looks surprised. Blaise side-eyes her.
DESIREE gently: Lav…to be fair, most of what you were involved in was negative…
LAVENDER: It was not! No one asked me about my tarot, or about my relationship with Ron—
HERMIONE: That’s because we all know you’re with him to make me mad.
DUMBLEDORE: Wait, why would Miss Brown’s relationship with Mr. Weasley upset you?
HERMIONE crossing her arms and looking away: It doesn’t.
LAVENDER: Oh please.
DUMBLEDORE raising his voice before Hermione can retort: Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that we will get much further in that discussion. And that’s just as well; alas we’ve come to the end of our journey. Mr. Johnson, can you tell us one thing you learned during this season?
ALEX: I guess I learned to speak up for myself.
DUMBLEDORE: What about you, Miss Granger?
HERMIONE pauses, thinking: I’d say I learned the importance of communication skills.
DUMBLEDORE: Miss Brown?
LAVENDER still fuming: I learned to be more careful about who you call a friend.
Hermione rolls her eyes but doesn’t say more.
DUMBLEDORE: Okay…Miss Warbeck, what did this season teach you?
DESIREE: I’d say I learned…patience.
DUMBLEDORE chuckles: I’m sure. Mr. Thomas, what about you?
DEAN: I learned that I can actually shoulder a lot. So, you know, I shouldn’t stress too much about it.
DUMBLEDORE: And last but not least, Mr. Zabini?
BLAISE takes a breath: I learned that it’s okay to look out for myself, but that I also need to be there for my friends.
DUMBLEDORE: And there you have it, the Real House-students of Hogwarts. Thank you all for sticking with us during this season!
The camera pans out, then cuts to an exterior shot of Hogwarts at night.
DUMBLEDORE (V.O.): For more information on the Real House-students, go to hogwartstv.com.